Going BackTo Where It All Started

"I want to go back to where it all started,” my friend said when we were talking about his dying.  I’ve thought about those words many times since he said them a few weeks ago. As a hospice nurse, I’ve heard others say the same thing, and wondered--what is it that makes us want to “go back” when we are at the end of our lives? As an observer and a participant in both life and death, I’ve come to the conclusion that “going back to where it all started” means different things to different people.

To some, it may mean, “I want to die in the same location I was born.” That used to happen frequently, but as our society has become more mobile, it doesn’t happen as often. Although there are those people who never wander far from “home.”

For some people at the end of life, “going back to where it all started” may mean something else. It may mean they want to go back to an area where they were able to live life fully. Perhaps it’s the place where they fell in love with another. Perhaps they want to go back to the place where they experienced their life’s greatest joy.

I’ve been witness to many who “go back where it started” because they knew that is where they would be loved and cared for best at the end of their lives. The most difficult part of hospice nursing for me was seeing people die alone. And the best part was seeing people being loved until they took their last breath.

Having been around death and the dying for years, I recognize that for a person to have a peaceful death, he must come to terms with his own mortality and begins to prepare for death. He or she may begin to review life (it’s called life reconciliation in the textbooks). It’s a way to find closure and a sense of completion.

 

The books also say that a life review doesn't follow a predictable pattern, and no two people can be expected to experience life reconciliation in the same way. That said, there are five common stages of a life review that are helpful to understand: expression, responsibility, forgiveness, acceptance, and gratitude.

I personally think the “going back to where it all started” is part of the “gratitude” stage.  The dying person will be thankful for the people in his life; the experiences he's had, whether good or bad. He will feel gratitude towards God for the life he's had. He may need to express his gratitude to his friends and loved ones. I think when my friend said he needed to “go back where it all started,” he was actually saying he was "coming back home" to do just that. 

 This is how most of us wish we could die, with a joyful heart and a spirit of peace...wherever that may be.

 I’m at an age now that I think about my own mortality from time to time. I guess if I could choose the details of my own death, I’d want to "go back home" to my favorite garden, be surrounded by daffodils, and be dressed in a white shirt and a pair of jeans. (I absolutely hate hospital gowns). I do know for certain it will be a transition I will go through alone, no matter how many people are around me. (Although there may be some angels of mercy sent by God to accompany me through my valley of death.)  But no matter what the details, I know I’ll have a joyful heart…life has been good.

I do need to try to figure out why I want to die in that white shirt, though. Maybe it's because when I was a baby, a white baby shirt was the first thing my momma put on me after birth, and it's my way of "going back to where it started." Or it could be for a completely different reason...maybe so I can look like the beautiful white swans in my favorite garden. 

 

P.S. 5/5/14

 

I think I solved the mystery of the white shirt and jeans. Beside a baby picture of my Gramma holding me when I was an infant, this is the only picture I have of myself as a toddler. Have always loved it because of the baby doll under my arm. I knew even then that my purpose in life was to have and love babies. And live in white shirts and denim. :)