Today, my son spends his 35th birthday in heaven.

My Miracle

            If you’re a parent, you can’t look at your children and not believe in miracles. On April 10^th, 1978 God gave me and my husband a third child, a third miracle. This time it was a son.  

               In the first few years of his life, that little boy became everything we dreamed a son could be. He was an absolute delight, one that was cherished by his parents and doted on by his big sisters.

            Then he was diagnosed with leukemia.

            For the next eighteen months we prayed God would use the doctors who were the very best in their field, to heal our son. His type of leukemia was a rare one, and his prognosis was poor from day one so we knew they would need to do miraculous things to make him well.  I believed my God could help them find the right medicine to cure him.

Fifteen months after he was diagnosed, those same doctors came to us and told us there was nothing else they could do for him. They told us our five year old son was going to die.

Once again I went to God and pleaded with Him to heal my son. We needed “a direct from heaven act of God". We needed a different kind of miracle now. The kind my dictionary defines as “an event that appears to be contrary to the laws of nature and is regarded as an act of God.”

I have always been a deeply spiritual person, and in my work as a nurse I saw incidences where people did get better, even when they were told they wouldn’t. I believed God’s promise when He said, “ask, and you shall receive.”
But on a hot August day in 1982, at the age of five, my son died.

The months that followed were filled with grief so intense I can’t describe it. I was angry, hurting, and extremely sad. Questions and doubts about God and my faith left me with a heart full of anguish. I wondered if there really was a God, and if there was, did He hear our prayers or even care. I no longer believed in miracles.

The verse from Matthew 2:18, took on new meaning for me. “A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.”

Months later, still in intense spiritual and emotional pain, I knew if I didn’t find some answers to my questions, I would not be able to go on, to find peace in my life. I searched everywhere for those answers. I went to people I respected, and to some I didn’t... just because they promised me answers. I read books and sought counseling. I filled my life with things and busyness. Still the peace did not come.

It was in desperation that I turn back to my Creator. I had grown up believing He made me, and knew me better than I knew myself. I had believed He loved me more than anyone else did. I desperately needed to believe that again, and hoped He would give me some answers. But I also knew, if He didn’t give me answers, I would have to find comfort in the belief that my child was in heaven…for a reason only God knew. I needed to find peace in that belief.

So I went to God one more time and asked Him if He could show me why I did not get the miracle of healing for my son.

In the weeks and months that followed, I felt Him take my hand and lead me on a journey of enlightenment.

He took me first of all, back to the day my son was born. He allowed me to relive the joy and the pride my husband and I felt as we held him in our arms for the first time. I recalled counting his ten fingers and toes and how we marveled at his brightness and beauty. I remembered wondering why God had blessed us so. And God said to me, “on that day, I gave to you the miracle of life for your son.”

Next, He took me to the day when that little blond haired boy looked adoringly at me with his bright blue eyes and said “Momma.” I remember thinking, like most parents do, that this child of mine was probably one of the most intelligent children ever born. It seemed, in his daily exploring of the wonders of his world, he would learn something new. And God said to me, “on those days, I gave to you the miracle of a child with a bright healthy mind.

On we went, my God and I, to the day my son toddled across the room on his chubby legs, and God said to me, “on that day, I gave to you the miracle of a child with a sound healthy body.”

The journey then took me to a time when my son was just sixteen months old and had been very ill for weeks. The doctors came to us and said “your son has something terribly wrong with him.” Two weeks later, after dozens of tests and an exploratory surgery, they came back, shaking their head in bewilderment and said to us, “There was something wrong, we don’t know what, but it’s gone now.”

We took him home and for the next two years he was the picture of health and a source of joy to all who knew and loved him. And God said to me, “every day of those two years was a miracle of restored health for him and happiness for you”.

With my hand still in God’s hand, He took me to another day two years later. It was a different hospital and the diagnosis was clear. Our now four year old son, with an IV containing chemotherapy in one hand, and a picture of the Good Shepherd in the other hand said to me, “I’m not scared Mom. When you aren’t here with me, I just pretend I'm that little lamb in Jesus’ arms.”  And God said to me, “on that day I gave to both of you the miracle of My peace in the middle of one of life’s greatest storms.”

Finally, in His ever gentle and loving way, God took me to that last painful day of my son’s life, and He said to me, “I know…on that day you thought I had completely forgotten about you, but I hadn’t. On that day I performed the greatest miracle of all. I took a little boy with a broken, disease ravaged body and transformed him into an eternal being with a healthy, heavenly body. I took that little boy, tormented with pain, and gave him eternal life and peace.”

And then, it felt like my God wrapped His arms around me, and in his soft comforting way, he whispered, “and now my child, if you'll allow me to, I can give to you another miracle.  I can take your aching, broken heart and mend it with my love. I can take your doubts, your bitterness and your anger and give you peace. Here's a miracle for you today. Reach out, embrace it, it’s yours.”

From my despair, I surrendered my pain and embrace one more of God’s miracles. Today, that miracle has transformed my once broken heart into one that’s filled with gratitude… because I had the honor to be the mother of a special child; the mother of a miracle.