The Dark Cloud of Depression

During my five years in psychiatric nursing I heard the following words or a variation of them many times. I came away from that experience with a deep respect for people who suffer from psychiatric illnesses. The public and some of the medical community sometimes treat them with less respect than they deserve, but their illness is just as serious as other illnesses and needs to be treated with the appropriate therapy and medications. My hope is that we will look at them through eyes of compassion.                                                         

The Dark Cloud

And when he saw him, he had compassion on him.

Luke 10:33

            The weather forecast says today will be a beautiful day to go outside and walk in the park beside the river. The squirrels will be busy storing away their acorns for the winter. All the moms with preschoolers will be at the park and there will be squeals of delight as the children run and play. There will be other happy people there. Old couples who have been married for years and are still in love: young people who are just now falling in love.

            Yes, it's a beautiful new day for the rest of the world. But for me, this beautiful autumn day will be as dark and cold as an overcast winter day. You see, there is a dark cloud that hovers over me at all times now. It blocks all of the beauty of life from me. As much as I would like to enjoy this day, I can’t.

            The dark cloud is ever present and I feel like it is drawing the life out of me. You see, where my heart used to be, there's now a heaviness that won’t go away. It never stops pressing down on my lungs, so breathing seems impossible unless I focus on doing it. My breathing is shallow, and I must remind myself once in awhile to take a deep breath so the rest of my body can get some oxygen.

            Living under the dark cloud makes me feel exhausted.  It draws all of the energy out of my body, like a sponge draws water.

             I don’t want to leave my room because it's like a cocoon where I can hide from the cloud.  If I leave my cocoon I know the dark cloud will follow me and “out there” it will hang over me; suffocating me, yet drawing attention to me. People will look at me, and I might have to talk to them.  Even though I'm lonely, I am not interested in talking to anyone, because I know I'm boring and can’t concentrate long enough to make meaningful conversation.

            “Out there” beyond my cocoon, people will see the dark cloud and wonder why it's there, and someone might even ask me about it. I will smile and make small talk, and I'll tell them there is no cloud, after all the sun is shining today.  

            The pretending is the worst. I'm afraid that smiling and making small talk will be the trigger that will bring the tears to my eyes again. Then someone will ask me what is wrong. And unless they have had the dark cloud of depression hanging over them, they will never understand what I have to say.

            They might politely listen to me when I try to explin it, but when they turn away from me, (and they will), they'll roll their eyes and whisper to themselves  “get a grip, woman!”  Or maybe they'll politely tell me to go see a doctor. But you see, I have already done that ,and after he gave me pills, someone else labeled me “crazy”.

            I have talked about how I feel with those who say they can help me. They tell me to take my medicine, force myself to get out of bed in the morning, find work that's fulfilling, exercise, and

count my blessing, (and yes, I do know I have much to be happy about). I am told to focus on the love that 's all around me and keep my eyes above the horizon.

            So I do as they tell me. I force myself to do it, because my hope is that someday a fresh breeze of happiness will come and blow away the dark cloud that is constantly throwing its shadow over me. If that hope ever leaves me, I’m sure I’ll die.

            But for today, it's still here, hanging over my head, sucking the life out of me.  It makes me want to be free of the responsibilities that force me to leave my room so I can “live a normal life”. The responsibilities to fill my roles as wife, mom, daughter and sister feel like anchors that keep me tied to earth.

            Today I want to be free of the anchors that keep me grounded while the dark cloud hovers over me.  Today I want to sprout beautiful wings and fly above the dark cloud where I can look down on it, smile and fly far beyond it.

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            There are very few people who will escape feelings of depression in their life time. For most, it will not become serious. They will have times when they “feel down” or “have the blues.”  These people just want to stay in bed with the covers over their heads for a day.  Feeling “down in the dumps” once in awhile is normal.  It is endurable because we know it is temporary.

            But for people who are on the other end of the continuum, the duration and intensity of their depression is disabling, paralyzing and unfortunately, sometimes fatal.

            One out of ten people are suffering from depression today. For some, the cloud is just gray, temporary and it will be gone tomorrow. But for others, the cloud is black and heavy and  will remain for months on end.

            There are thousands of books, articles and opinions written about depression, its causes and its cures. To those who are suffering from it now, I know you don’t have the energy to process it all but I do hope you will somehow find the energy to reach out to someone and ask them to help you.

            And if you are on the receiving end of that request, please stop what you are doing and help your fellow human being find a professional that is qualified to help him.  Your help may save a life.

            I love the story of the Good Samaritan from the Bible. When he came upon a man who had been beaten and left for dead, he could have passed him by like two others had. But instead he took pity on him, bandaged his wounds and took him to a safe place. He even paid for the man to stay at the safe place. He helped someone who could not help himself.

            I would encourage you today to reach out to those who are depressed, they are not pretending to be ill, they really are and you may be the only one who will help them.