Big Jon

God does not comfort us so we can be comfortable, He comforts us so we can comfort others.

Big Jon

It was fall, and we were on our way to see his doctor who was sixty miles from our rural home. We had left his dad and three sisters at home this time so it was just the three of us, my son Jason, his friend Big Jon and me. We had been able to leave a little early so we could stop at the park beside the river. He loved that park, some days he pretended to fish in the river with a big stick and a string attached to it. On that day, we stood by the river and threw stones into it just to see the ripples. Jason threw a little branch in and watched it float away. Then we decided to take a walk in the fallen leaves.

“The leaves sure are ‘purdy’ mom.”

“Yes Jason, they are.”

“They used to be green, now they are red and yellow and orange and brown.”

“Yes they are. They are pretty aren’t they?”

“Why?”

“That is what happens to leaves in the fall. In the spring when they come out, it’s kind of like they are being born, and they are green. They are green all summer and in the fall they begin to turn beautiful colors before they die and fall off the trees. Next spring, after winter is over, they will come back again.”

“My friend Ryan died”

“Yes, Jason, I know”

“He had leukemia like me”

“I know.”

“Am I going to die, Mom?”

Silence, what do I say? This is the question that I had dreaded for eight months now. What do I say to my four year old who was so full of life on this beautiful fall day?

“I don’t know Jason, what do you think?”

Silence; but just for a few seconds.

“I guess I will someday, but I think I will wait until you and Dad die too.”

“OK Jason. You know that dad and I will always be with you, no matter what happens?”

“Yea, I know,” and I saw him give Big Jon a squeeze. He knew his friend would be there too!

And the cool fall breeze dried my tears as we walked in the fallen leaves.

My four year old son had just told me that he was thinking about the possibility that he might die. On that beautiful fall day, I did the best I could of reassuring him that the ones he loved most in life would be there with him if that happened.

Then it was nine months later and he was five years and three months old. His kind and gentle doctor began to talk to him. “Jason, how would you like to go home and not have to come back to the hospital for any more needles or medicine?”

“Yea, that would be good.”

“Okay, that is what we’ll do. You take Big Jon, go home and play with him and your sisters. Your Mom and Dad will take care of you. You can come and see me once a week and we can just talk about what you have been doing.”

“How do I do this?” I ask myself. “I can take care of him physically, after all, he is my little boy and I had been doing it for five years. But what do I say to him? What do I say to his sisters who are ten, eight and two? No one had any answers for me. My heart told me to follow their lead.

Two weeks later, his cousin Mikey wanted to come and see him. We all knew that it would be the last time. The night before Mikey came, when Jason was in his bed he looked up at me and said, “Mom? Where is my Big Jon?”

I know that by now you are wondering what a Big Jon is, aren’t you? It is that special friend that every sick child has. Jason’s Big Jon was a silly looking little homemade clown that Gramma gave him when he first got sick. It was named after Jason’s favorite uncle who lived far away.

 Big Jon always went to the hospital with him. When he would get an IV or a lab test, Big Jon would get one too. Big Jon slept with him, ate with him, rode in the tricycle basket with him and threw sticks in the river with him. Big Jon was one of those friends who goes with you through the good and the bad things of life.

Thinking that Big Jon had been temporarily displaced in the bedtime ritual, we looked around and found him. I tucked them both in, gave them both a kiss and said good night. Just as I was ready to turn the light off, Jason said, “Mom?”

“What Jason?”

“When Mikey comes tomorrow, I am going to give Big Jon to him”

My hand stopped on the light switch and it felt like a boulder had just been dumped into my chest. My heart began to ache and I had to think to breath. This was it. I knew it. This was Jason’s way of telling me something significant.

“Why, Jason? Why would you want to give Big Jon to Mikey? Big Jon is your friend.”

“Because I don’t need him anymore Mom, and Mikey does.”

“Why does Mikey need Big Jon?”

“Because Mom, he doesn’t have a dad, and he needs Big Jon.”  Mikey’s dad was killed in an auto accident before he was born.

“But Jason, you might need Big Jon too”

“No, Mom, I don’t need him anymore.”

That night after he was asleep, I did what any grieving mom would do. I slipped into his room, took Big Jon out of my little boy’s arms and hid him under the bed. After all, if my little boy was going to die, I would at least have Big Jon to get me through the grief filled days and nights ahead. I needed Big Jon.

The next morning, in the rush of getting ready for Mikey’s visit, Big Jon was forgotten. Or so I thought. The boys had a good time. Jason was tired so there was no strenuous play. They played with their hot wheels and painted some pictures for their moms.

Then it was time for Mikey to leave.

“Mom, where is my Big Jon?”

“He is around here somewhere Jason, we’ll find him later.”

“NO MOM, find him NOW.”

I knew at that moment that this was my child’s dying wish. Could I honor it?

And I knew that this was his way of telling me that he was going to die, but that it was okay. Now, it was my turn to tell him, in his own little boy language that it was he could go. This was the moment when I could tell him that I understood that he was tired of being sick and he was ready to go to a place where he would not need Big Jon anymore.

“Okay, Jason lets find him. Maybe he fell under the bed when you were sleeping last night”

That moment will forever live in my mind and in my heart. I watched as my son gave his friend Big Jon to his cousin who needed him. He knew that Mikey would love and take care of Big Jon for him.

It was at that moment that I knew I wouldn’t have to tell my son that he was going to die, he had just told me in his very own special way.

Jason died a week later. The only thing that seemed to matter was that Mom and Dad were with him and Big Jon was being loved.

I learned a lot about living and dying from Jason and Big Jon. 

I also learned that there are different ways to deal with grief. As I searched for ways to deal with my grief, I discovered one that was right for me. After Jason died, I leaned heavily on my faith. I searched the Bible, looking for answers and comfort. I found no answers but I did find a way to be comforted.

In II Corinthians 1:4, I found the words that seemed to speak directly to me “God comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  I immediately thought of Jason and his clown. Big Jon had been there to comfort him so many times in his long months of illness and in the end he was able to give to Mikey as he had received.  Now it was time for me to give comfort as I had received it.

Today, I am a hospice nurse and it is an honor to help my patients and their families as they go through that final transition through death to eternal life.

On Christmas day, twenty one years after Jason gave Big Jon to Mikey, my sister in law handed me a gift wrapped package. From her mother’s heart, she said to me, “since Mikey got married this year, he doesn’t need this anymore and we thought you might like to have it.” Inside the box was Big Jon. He was a little more worn and had a few more stains on him, but Mikey had taken good care of him and now Big Jon was home.

© 2010 Brenda J.Young